Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Ted Cruz Attacks Vampire Minority in Texas on his Favebook Page

“Sunday night, they aired a misogynist and profanity-ridden episode where Texas Republicans are murdered attending a ‘Ted Cruz fundraiser.’ Well, I’m sorry to have lost the vampire vote, but am astonished (and amused) that HBO is suggesting that hard-core leftists are blood-sucking fiends….,” wrote Cruz.

In the episode, two vampires plot to enter the “Ted Cruz fundraiser,” being held at the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas, to track down one of their enemies. As the vampires are dressing up in stereotypical Texas Republican attire, the female vampire exclaims, “Oh my God, I’m a Republicunt.”

Eric and Pam tracked down Sarah’s Hep-V infected sister (Amber Newlin) who directed them to a fundraiser (for) Ted Cruz (I googled him Australians, he’s real) at the George W. Bush presidential library. “Security will be tight and they only invite assholes,” Amber Newlin says, just in case you had any misconception about the political leanings of this show. “You don’t know us, sweetheart. We can be assholes,” says Eric with a smile. Oof.

Now that Eric has developed Stage 2 symptoms (yep, it looks an awful lot like Stage 1) they need to find Sarah Newlin fast. I’m not going to acknowledge that Eric is dying, because I don’t want it to happen. Are we clear? Alright then.
Pam and Eric dress up as “Republicunts” and scan the room for the Newlins. “These bitches all look the same,” Pam drawls. Meanwhile Sarah and her mum (the mum from My So Called Life!) are in the bathroom wondering if a well-timed call to Laura Bush could save Sarah from her Japanese assassin-laden fate. “I’m not a monster, I’m a Buddhist!” Sarah cries, as her mother looks disgustedly at her newly brunette hair.

Eric barely has time to glamour anyone before the Yakuza storm in and start shooting Republicans in cowboy hats! They shoot Sarah’s dad point blank in the head! They spray Sarah’s mum with bullets and then for good measure, shoot her even more! GOD I LOVE HBO!